HOW MUCH YOU LOVE - personal reflections on yogi bhajan
This is something I wrote at the beginning of March 2020 in a discussion group with fellow kundalini yoga teacher trainers – a diverse group. It makes loud my internal process following the stories coming out of abuses at the hand of Yogi Bhajan and in that spirit I share it, with the prayer it’s of service to anyone reading in their own personal process.
Interestingly, Pope Francis, referenced in this piece, has just died. He was not the total remedy to the historical cover-ups of the Catholic church that the film suggests he could be. He too, it turns out, took another few steps on a longer road of repair, and was also apparently a mix of blind and seeing. Which just proves the point I try to make..
Sat Naam everyone.
I started out writing something for my newsletter, to elaborate on what’s happening in the KY world, but what came out was probably much too big at this stage for that forum. So I am sharing it here with you. It is a question, at the moment, of how much, when and to whom. Such a delicate time…. What I’ve written here is quite extreme maybe. It was intense to write. Not all of you will like it and it might inflame some aspects in some of you. It is written even with an attempt to hold the neutrality that the stories are still only allegations. But the healing movement that is going on is so strong that that seems to me only a formality at this stage. So I have decided not to hold back.
On the figurative eve of these revelations beginning to come out I watched the movie The 2 Popes. I was so touched by it. It was like deep internal aspects of my life on screen. 2 men, 2 popes, Benedict and Francis - one who effectively lived in a world of denial, removed from normal people and everyday life and out of touch with the times and the other who was on the verge of resigning because he could no longer live with the hypocrisies and backwardness of the catholic church. The whole film is a dialogue between these 2 and it is a poignant and powerful reflection on abuse of power, cover up, deep, painful mistakes and the ability to recognise them. Prayer, forgiveness and absolution. The miracle of absolution as coming from the Holy Spirit, but through human form of forgiveness. In the end, Benedict steps down (an unprecedented move for a pope) and the progressive Francis takes on the papacy. He is portrayed at least as a reluctant leader, and therefore worthy. His own mistakes of the past, his dark night of the soul and the learning and changing that occurred in him are what changed his actions, built his character and made him worthy.
It is a dark night of the soul in the Kundalini Yoga community.
How much compassion is in us? How much compassion and capacity for forgiveness can we hold in our hearts, when it hurts so much? A line from the movie: “Truth is vital, but without love it is unbearable.”
I watch “the internet” condemning and denying. I see people pulling trails of others behind them in a downward motion, destroying and negating everything. I also see the struggle for courage and maturity. Love and honesty. It’s a big time.
With all the momentum of online processing it might be challenging to hold the fair and neutral position of innocent until proved guilty. Trial by social media is real. It is an exercise for the neutral mind to stay awake enough to hold it open for now. But at the same time, it is difficult to imagine that there is no truth to any of the stories. And of course, there is the need to listen to those who are speaking equally in good faith and with very open ears and heart.
The truth is that there are not 2 sides to this, but at least 4. With humans let’s face it, it is not, never is, never was black and white. It is not a 2 dimensional fairy tale of good and evil in the world, much as it seems that is how we would like to have it. I watch my own mind in a default search for others who may yet prove to be pure because we aspire to it and look for human examples of it – often rewriting history to give ourselves inspiring, if 2 dimensional, stories. Maybe even to excuse ourselves and let ourselves off the hook because “only fantastic figures like saints can attain such perfection and I am not even vaguely in that realm". I read the mythologizing, deifying publications about Yogi Bhajan from times past. Where we are prepared to deify there is going to be an equal readiness to demonise.
4 is the number of the neutral mind and the heart – the love of which is a natural miracle. And only a miracle can hold what is happening and not split apart into fantasy thinking.
In any dynamic of victim and perpetrator there are 4 parts (at least). Not 2. There is not just the victims and the perpetrator(s).
In this case, if the allegations are sadly even partly true and we do need to come to terms with it, on the one side, there would the man Harbhajan Singh Puri who would have to have had some dark karma, past pain and trauma himself and unprocessed material that led him to conduct himself very badly, heightened by his position and the huge discrepancy.
And at the same time the teacher Yogi Bhajan, sitting on the teacher’s seat, brought forth such a profound stream of teachings and practices that have undeniably helped, healed and uplifted many, over decades, around the globe (at the moment not getting into the other side of things – questions about why he may have been untruthful about the origins of these teachings). Many speak of him from their own first hand account as only ever kind, a great teacher, giving, loving, serviceful and self-sacrificing. I am sure that he also was.
Put these 2 back to back, not facing each other, and you have a tremendous, heart wrenching contradiction. A painful split that one day (the day seems to have come) has to come to light. When the 2 faces turn to face each other, then we have a real process going on. Painful on a massive level.
This is 2.
Then those who are saying they have suffered abuse – the victims. On the one side, they are purely victims (or survivors as society now attempt to reshape the language). Innocent. Not to blame. They carry no responsibility for another’s actions. The healing movement is to give any and all responsibility back to the perpetrator. To be free of any shame and blame. To not carry that any more. To regain dignity. To say it like it is: this should never have been allowed to happen. It was wrong. And also those that looked away need to face up to that and that pain of abandonment needs to come to light and be felt. They themselves may have had blind spots from their own past which meant they couldn’t or didn’t look. That pain needs to be faced and, in the best case scenario, this blindness also addressed and healing brought. Did someone in their own past look away because of their past and so on and so on. This is never said to excuse but simply to honour what is as an essential step to healing.
And, on the other side there may also be love. The need for it, the longing to belong. Loyalty. Motives mixed up with each other that make it hard to just leave. Energy flowing, love flowing. Unclarity about the fact that the spiritual path is to lead you to the greatest love: for your Self and ultimately merger with the One and all that is. Unclarity in a teacher who has their own karma and issues with the whole field of love and desire. Mixed with the student’s unclarity and unprocessed material. I make no assumptions here, but I know the dynamics of an entanglement between victim and perpetrator. If we can separate out the love that is made taboo almost (if you admit to the love you admit guilt as long as they are mixed with each other) from the harmful acts and the responsibility for them, healing can begin.
When the perpetrator comes to the full realization of the harm their actions have caused (or even if they don’t), the victim can give back all responsibility and still, where that is the case, keep their love for the person who was meant to love them separate and real healing can occur.
The things have to separated out from each other:
Man and teacher; damage and love. Or put in a different combination: Man and damage; teacher and love.
And within and above all that, the 5th element, is the teachings. All of this is a teaching. It is all a learning. That’s what the soul comes to do. And the teachings are ancient and above all of this play. Truth is truth. Natural laws are natural laws. Universal is universal. Love is love.
Blaming, polarising, splitting things into black and white halves only, will never heal us. Damning the perpetrators will never heal us. Staying angry and bitter will not heal us (though I understand that anger can be an important phase of the healing). Letting everything be in its right place and, in time, when we're ready, keeping the dignity of our love will heal us. It is not a cliche to say here, all is love. And it is not moralistic, or an excuse or justification or white wash. It's painful. The underlying substance of consciousness and life is love. It is the undercurrent of everything. Everything. The problem is in the entanglement, the karmic twists, not the love.
It is a deep pain in me if I think that I might have to give up my love and gratitude for the teachings, which is huge, because of this. Although we are not all directly personally affected by abuse, we are all in this entanglement.
Am I, if I stay in association with KRI and KY, part of the problem? Do I get tarred with the same brush ie. Assume some guilt by association? Do I become part of a cover up, by implication?
The only way I can stay and make something good out of all of this is if I can separate things out. I can fully leave the responsibility for Harbhajan Singh’s actions with him and still keep my love for the teachings and respect and honour for Yogi Bhajan for all he did. For others of you, close to him in his life, so close to your hearts as he was not to me because I just didn’t have the destiny to have that contact, you can still keep your love and honour for him whole, if this is what is also there, AND face the pain caused by his possible actions.
These ANDs and holding them is what will help us grow, in my humble view.
If we have the maturity to do that, it means we can also admit and hold the fact that we ourselves have parts. It is a problem when they are back to back, compartmentalized. Hiding behind some title, some institution, some teaching creates a curtain inside and then we forget we’ve hidden parts of ourselves behind there – parts we deem to be in conflict with the shop window self. That’s our own responsibility – each and every one of us. It’s hard to face up but it’s real. Back to back becoming face to face.
I am feeling immense compassion for Yogi Bhajan/Harbhajan Singh right now. What a fate! What a destiny! So much sacrifice, so much good brought and now so much pain also. In my mind’s eyes (only my imagination) and in my heart he collapses to his knees and the tears he cries form an ocean. What a large large presence. What an impact. What a huge risk he took, and he knew it. And here we are with one of the biggest lessons of our lives. Even in this, Wahe Guru. I bow.
I find I can’t bring this to an end in a “and the moral of the story is” or a “and now to our bright new future” way. I find I can only stay there in that impossible, miraculous place of holding all the polarities in my heart, welcoming the coming in time of absolution through calling down the miracle of forgiveness, and breathe and feel.
Each step must be honoured and consummated fully. Movements of the soul.
If I can in my heart absolve Harbhajan Singh, what it means for me is that I personally have a real chance. It means that, like Pope Francis in the movie, I too can make mistakes, even grave mistakes, and, if I do the honest work, I too can come out cleaner. The power of forgiveness is a super power. It’s divine. And it means in the story or poetic version that thieves can become saints. And in real life, flawed humans can go on to serve and make a real and positive difference in others’ lives. We are living a teaching story and it's far less glossy than the myth.