The bitter-sweet fruits of our labours

As parents, inside our chests arises a deep deep desire to do the utmost best by our children. We pray hard that we will not repeat the mistakes of our parents. We wish desperately that our children can avoid the suffering we ourselves may have experienced. We want so much to do well… and yet also it is sometimes in our apparent failures that we succeed the most … It is humbling, to say the least.

In the past few years this truth has come home to me in a very distinct way. When my child can turn to me and say, philosophically and without any kind of blame, that the difficulties in his upbringing have given him the gifts that he now has, I can only bow. Our perspectives are so limited. We can’t see let alone understand all the multiple layers at play. What that soul brought in with them, what past live contracts between us may be playing out in this .. it’s intellectually unfathomable and I am only left with an emotional sense of awe and gratitude.

I say this now, but of course there have been times when I’ve not been able to see this. There is indeed a tunnel, or multiple tunnels, that we pass through to come out into the light again. There are definitely times when we’re at a loss and can only pray for guidance.

I have also experienced times of reckoning. It belongs to the phase of life, I’ve come to realise. Coming up to menopause, following the long summer of life, the time of great activity, comes the autumn. (It turns out it’s an Indian summer, which, much like our changing external climate, stays hot longer than we might like!) In the summer we often have little time (or in our hive of activity feel we don’t) to pause and reflect. We just have to keep going, often knowing there are gaps and we will probably see the fruits of these later. We’re just doing our best.

Artist: Becca Jessee

The autumn brings the harvest. The fruits. Our children are also our fruits – talking, walking, independently thinking and feeling fruits. A new whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. My experience of these past few years, with my children currently being 19, 21 and 23, is of them finally being able to tell me things that they previously couldn’t. Things that were difficult for them and which didn’t go right. They have the ability to reflect now and to articulate. Those beings that I co-created and in whom, without really thinking to do it, I did my best to foster self-awareness and self-responsibility are now with great awareness and yes, also self-responsibility, able to tell me all the ways in which I messed up.

And, oh grace, while it was incredibly painful I was able to really hear them so that they felt received. I was also able to forgive myself, as to not do so would be terrible for me but also mean being less fully available for them going into the future, as I would be preoccupied with myself otherwise. And, miracle of forgiveness and healing, rifts healed, gaps closed, closeness returned. It’s astounding to me the capacity for renewal in human relationships. The desire in children for connection to their parents is so great that it doesn’t take much for forgiveness to be granted. They WANT to, often.

I wouldn’t be so foolish to say that this process has finished. In fact I know it hasn’t. But I relax in trusting myself that any time I am called to account in the future, I will be there. And I will not carry it forward into the future with me. That is a very robust attitude to life.

And that attitude is what I see especially now in my 23 year old son. In the past year, crossing his second and into his third 11 year cycle, I can see that his attitude to life and learning is becoming similarly robust and resilient. One could say, the pain he experienced in his childhood, the sense of rupture, is exactly what facilitated this. The experience of being able to repair a rupture is such an important one. It gives us the confidence to go out into life not so afraid to break things that we don’t dare to act and fully participate.

So, in this way dear fellow parents, by all means do your best. You are already anyway. And there’s also always room for a little better somewhere. Without forgiveness you can forget it. And remember, we only see a thin slice of what is actually going on, so save your judgements and trust your loving heart.

Sat naam.

A bit older now, this photo, but still a favourite.